Saturday, 21 September 2013

Thoughts from the Countryside and the Picking of Poo

Thoughts from the Countryside and the Picking of Poo: Horsey people are hugely entertaining (when you can stop them droning on about details), and the whole "poo-picking" thing is hilarious. If a friend said their toddler was "poo-picking", you'd think "ick" or "isn't that in Freud?" But this is what horsey people must do to keep the fields healthy, and it's quite disgusting, but to let your animals become ill would be far worse and so it must be done. Like changing nappies, although the subject has a more blunderbuss approach. My lovely friend Hala had allowed her (very pliant) arm to be twisted to take me to High Wycombe for a necessary part for the injured car (grgrgrgr), and as she had horsey duties by the time we were done, I pushed the barrow and off we went. This was a slightly more substantial offering - nothing like as generous as I had received - than it seems, as I am shit-scared (as they say) of horses. There was perhaps an ironic symmetry in walking round a couple of acres of their home with a wheelbarrow full of their shit. And my goodness, what a lot of it there is! I know they are big, but, well, gosh! And I was doing quite well, and then they homed in on me, these two big huge enormous bastard monster horses. "Oh they're quite little and very tame". Oh right. And I was struck between them. One had already followed me round the field like the office pervert nudging my bum. And then it started, in the sense of, I'm lost for words, starting! There was a sort of half-hearted kick, not at me, I wasn't within range of its foot, but the creature's enormous and powerful haunch was against my shoulder, and when its hoof hit the ground, the ground shuddered. So did I. The moment passed, and it was OK. I think she was just looking for attention. Or, Hala said, she fancies the boys. Oh goodness. And "The Picking Of Poo" sounds so A. A. Milne. But had she been a bear, I doubt I would have lived to tell this tale.

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